I think the problem is that i have started to enjoy suffering, because it is better than feeling nothing. I embrace hurt, i think about my grandad all the time because i’d rather feel pain that forget. I have started to tell myself i’m not good enough, so when somebody else tells me, it is just an everyday pain, something I can cope with. 

I genuinely believe that no body could love me forever, and if it’s not forever, it was never love. and truthfully, that is upsetting.

but, despite all this pessimism - one day (i hope) to travel, and help animals. I can find beauty in nature, rather than myself. I love the beach, i want to sit in the sun, splash in the waves, explore the rock pools… one day I will live by the sea side and this will all seem like a bad dream. 

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am happy. I am so very grateful for all I have got (some sort of health as well as family, friends, education and most importantly a passion for something bigger than myself) but I am just finding it difficult at the moment because I made promises to myself, that are not going to be fulfilled by the arranged time. I feel behind. And i don’t understand why I will never be good enough for anybody else. People say be yourself, and I am, so what is wrong with the ‘real me’?

but today i thought, 

fuck it. who cares. What is so good about being normal? nothing. What is so good about being ‘odd’, ‘quaint’ or ‘quirky’? probably nothing also. Atleast I can be happy that I am acting myself, and if people like it, then they are real friends, that love me for me. So, I am never going to conform. I will probably be poor and alone, but I am beyond caring. I am not a big money lover anyway. The latter does frighten me sometimes.

Why do i need to talk to someone about my mental well being? if it is all in my head then why would anybody care? it’s my head, and if i dont care, then why does it have to change? I am nice to everybody ( i think ) so what is the problem??!!! 

New rules:

Follow these… 

(next post)